Peace in my Spirit

I always knew that I have a restless spirit.  My job is proof.  I work at Norton Healthcare as a floater.  I move around from office to office when offices need someone to fill in a position.  I love working in the float pool because I am not rooted in one place.  This tells me that my spirit is restless and I don’t know how to settle it down.  I feel my life is unstable and that’s partly due to my bipolar depression.  Oh no don’t feel sorry for me, I have finally come to terms with myself about this issue and I am getting medication and therapy.  I must say that since I have been on medication and seeing my therapist I feel a lot better.  Some days are harder than others, but I have the support of a wonderful husband and he has helped me through some pretty rough and dark days.  Being bipolar and depressed together is a nightmare at times.  Some days I am on a high, then there are days when I wish it would all end!  I’m reading about Job how he had everything and lost it, but he never blamed God and he continued to praise him.  I am trying hard to be like Job and not blame God for things that are happening in my life, but continue to praise him.  I have made a lot of bad decisions and they have left me in a hard place right now.  It’s a tough journey, but I pray I will keep looking up and praising God all day every day.  I want to feel peace in my spirit and hopefully it will come when I least expect it.

The Price You Pay!

I have been a diabetic for over 19 years.  I never took this disease seriously because I didn’t won’t to believe that it existed.  Just recently I have been having some stomach issues and was told I have gastroparesis.  What is gastroparesis you ask?  It is a disease that affects the nerves in the stomach making it slow and hard to digest food and then the food just sits in the stomach which could cause other issues.  It’s hard to eat, I have tried to eat and before it can even start to digest I have to vomit it back up.  Seems like liquids are the only thing that I can keep down and they digest easier.  Since learning of this problem I have lost about 13 pounds in the last 2 1/2 months.  I know that doesn’t sound like a lot but it makes a difference because I am losing nutrients and other vitamins I need.  I want to be angry because I felt like why me…why did I have to have this problem and unfortunately I am the cause of it.  There is no cure for this disease well so much for that.  My gastroenterologist says there is nothing more he can do and is sending me to a motility specialist to see if there is something else we can do.  My GI doctor has given me Zofran an anti-nausea medication and for the last 2 days it hasn’t helped at all.  I cry and cry hoping it’s all a bad dream, but when I pinch myself nope it’s not a dream.  I spent years not caring about dealing with my diabetes and now I have found myself paying the price.  I just want to give up and stop trying and just let myself waste away, but I have family that loves me and wouldn’t let me give up without a fight.  I feel like I’m a burden to my husband because I have all of this to deal with and sometimes it interferes with things we want to do because I am sick. He tries to give me suggestions on things I can do, but I know this bothers him in a way.  If you happen to read this and you or a family member have diabetes PLEASE for your sake and theirs keep your blood sugars under control and I pray you never have to fight this disease.  I’m going to keep my head up and continue on and do what I must do to keep this monster in check. Please pray for me to have faith in God that in time it will get better.

 

Prayer Journal

Recently I started a prayer journal and I like it, but I don’t really know what to put in it.  I have been looking for ideas and I have been on Pinterest and there are some good ideas on there, but I want it to be unique.  I want it to be my way to express myself with God.  How many times have you thought to yourself I need to do better about reading the bible and going to church?  I go through that all the time, but still don’t do it.  I am trying to better the relationship with God and slowly but surely I will.  I think way too much…so many things go through my mind and I just don’t know what to do with it all.  I know God will always have an answer for me.

 

Prayer

How do we know if we have a secure relationship with God?  Should we feel his holy spirit with us each day?  I often wonder if I have a relationship with God and how strong is that relationship.  I want to have a relationship with God, but a lot of times I don’t feel his presence around me.  I ask the question what must I do to be saved?  I know I have to spend time with him, study the word, and ask him to save me, but there must be more? Somehow I have to find out what it is that will help me get closer to God.  I feel like my life isn’t what it should be, but then again what is my life supposed to be?  Trying to find out what your life’s purpose is, is a journey that can last a long time.  I want to start a prayer journal and use that to start a new journey to finding myself and my relationship with God.

Slow Road to Death by Diabetes

I am dying a slow death, as this monster named  diabetes taunts my soul, sending me in a continuous down spiral.  I want to scream at it, shout at it to leave my body, but nothing I say will change the path that it is choosing to take.  What have I done to deserve this death sentence, I know sometimes I don’t give God all of my time by going to church, but  I love him no less, haven’t I been kind to others, haven’t I loved my family and friends, haven’t I helped those that are less fortunate that I; so why was I chosen to bear this burden when I know in the end it will win.

Sometimes I stop taking my meds hoping and praying that I might slip into a coma and relieve my family of the stress of dealing with my illness, then I realize I am not hurting myself I am hurting my husband and children because they will be without me, but it still doesn’t give me comfort to live knowing your body steadily breaking down little by little. You put on top of having diabetes I have issues with my thyroid, my eyesight, and constant pain, you read this and say oh how selfish she is, she is only thinking about herself, but if don’t have diabetes then you couldn’t begin to understand what diabetics deal with.   I want to live to see my children have children, to grow old with my husband, just enjoy living and traveling; however this demon that is attacking my body I fear won’t let me live and be happy.  Somedays I have everything under control, my blood sugars are good, I’m eating frequently and good food, then I become discouraged and just want to lay down and die.

Why you ask would I just lay down and die without fighting for my life, because I often feel that it’s too much to bear.  God said that he would never put more on us then we can bear, wouldn’t you feel just a little anger deep down inside; maybe it’s just me, because sometimes I want to cry, sometimes I just want to mad at God, but then I resolve myself to the fact that I am not alone.  There are so many people who live with diabetes and lead a normal lifestyle, so why can’t I do the same?  It’s simple I choose to remain in DENIAL, and until I can start taking better care of myself which includes taking my medication and stop sabotoging my self by only eating one or two meals, drinking too much cappuccino and coffee, eating chips, donuts, cookies and fast food, but start eating right and exercising to help my body fight against the disease because if I dont’ fight, then diabetes wins.

Editing and Rewriting…

My mind is so boggled the editing, re-writes,  editing is driving me insane…I have so many things going on this big brain of mine (hence the sarcasm.)  Honestly I take my hat off to all the author’s and serious writers because being  a writer is hard work,  but hopefully it will work out for me…wish me luck!!!!

What is your Purpose…

I always hoped to be successful, but it never happened.   I have bounced around from job to job not staying at any of them for more than 5 years. I’ve prayed and asked God to show me my purpose,  but I still don’t have an answer.   What do I do now, at this age I should be well into my career, but unfortunately I am still trying to figure out what that is.   It’s amazing how some people automatically know what their career goals are.  Sometimes I feel angry because I have no clue what my purpose is I guess it’s not meant for me to know right now.   I like helping and talking to people, it makes me feel good to listen to people no matter what it is.  I guess I will continue to wait on God to show me my purpose.  Everyone wants to be good at something, but sometimes you never find out what that is.